Quick Keys to Fixing your Relationships

Your friend Sally pulls you down, your cousin Johnny invites you to questionable events, your co-worker Nancy leaves you drained with her endless complaining, and your boss asks you to ‘doctor’ the numbers. Are relationships important? They surely are! Left unmanaged, some relationships can seriously disable your life. How many of us know someone who married the wrong person and things went downhill from that point on? So YES, we need to manage our relationships, but how?

First, we must acknowledge that whereas we can choose our friends and acquaintances, there are those relationships that just come with a family package. We cannot choose our parents, siblings, cousins, etc. However, once we are adults, we can manage our interactions with even our family.

When it comes to relationships you have these choices:

•  Keep the relationship exactly as is
•  Better the relationship as best you can
•  Limit your exposure
• Cut off or sever all ties

How do you make such decisions? By analysing your relationships one by one and asking yourself: Is this a short-term or long-term relationship or lifetime bond? How invested am I in this relationship? Is this relationship healthy and supportive, or is it toxic and draining? Once you know the answers to these important questions you can start to manage!

FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS:

If you have chosen to remain in a relationship you can aim to make it healthier by employing the following tips:

•   Know Yourself and Be yourself.

You must know who you are, what your values are, what you will stand for, and those things that you will not tolerate. Being authentically you is crucial for a healthy relationship. Pretending to be something you are not or tolerating something that stands against your basic beliefs and values can only lead to frustration, offense, and strife.  

•  Using Emotional Intelligence

Being emotionally intelligent means being acutely aware of your own emotions and managing them accordingly. It also means being socially aware of the emotions of others and navigating those interactions.

•  Better Communication

Communicate openly and honestly with the other person. If you’re feeling frustrated, angry, or disappointed, it’s important to speak the truth in love, rather than bottling up negative feelings. It’s also important to listen to what the other person has to say without getting defensive. Active listening is important as well as asking appropriate questions to learn more.

•   Love, Respect and Honour

You may not like everyone, but you can decide to love them as fellow human beings. Respect is an essential part of any relationship. That means listening, being considerate of their feelings, and allowing them the space to be themselves. Showing respect will go a long way in managing your relationships effectively. Be compassionate and always try to see things from others’ perspective. Try to reach a compromise where possible.

•   Use their Love Language

For close relationships, make it your business to decipher the love language of the other person. That is the way that they interpret and receive love and respect. Once you know if they prefer Words of Affirmation, Gifts, an Act of Service, etc. then you can use these methodologies to enhance the relationship.

FOR UNHEALTHY OR TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS:

There are some relationships that bring some level of toxicity or danger. For the relationships that you need to limit or cut off altogether, here are some tips:

•   Creating Boundaries

It’s important to set boundaries in your relationships that will change or limit your interaction with said persons. If someone is consistently crossing your boundaries it is time to have a conversation about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not.

“Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. They help us to “guard our heart with all diligence.”We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside.”

DR. HENRY CLOUD – BOUNDARIES

•   Sever the Relationship Completely

There are those relationships that are highly toxic and may even endanger our lives. You need to muster the wherewithal to end them completely. Wherever possible we must try to do this respectfully. This is especially true if leaving an organisation where you may need a reference or a referral in the future. However, there are some personal relationships where no further communication is recommended.  

CHOOSING CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

We have the choice of who we let into our personal space and develop relationships with. It is always best to choose correctly in the first place, rather than having to fix and mend as we go along. How do we make better choices upfront? Consider the following:

•  Do you share similar values?

This is one of the most important things to consider when choosing a partner. After all, if you don’t share the same values, how can you expect to have a lasting relationship? What are their core beliefs? What are their thoughts on religion? What do they value the most? The answer to these questions may not be forthcoming in conversations, but you will know them by the fruit they produce and display in their lives.

•   Consider their past and present relationships.

Pay attention to the relationships in their lives. What sort of people do they hang around with and where do they socialise with these people? What kind of relationships do they have with their family, especially their parents. Do they honour and respect them? How do they speak of those in their lives? Do they gossip or malign others? All of these are things we need to pay attention to.

•    Are they good communicators?

Communication is key in any relationship. If they’re not good at communicating their wants and needs, that can lead to problems down the road. Pay attention to how they communicate with you and with others. Do they listen when you talk? Do they respect your opinion? If not, that might be a red flag.

At the end of the day, unless you choose to live in seclusion, you must interact with others. Even if you go off into the forest alone, unless you are living ‘off the land’ and ‘off the grid’, you will still have to interact with humans at some point. So, remember, relationships will either bring you down OR be the greatest asset you have. Good, healthy relationships can help you to lead a victorious life and help activate the fulfillment of your destiny!